Eve Amour-06.04.19

I feel compelled to write a little about the birth of our sweet Eve. It is a special story to me for many reasons and the events leading up to her joining our family have shaped and strengthened my testimony of God's love and mindfulness for me and my family in so many ways. I have been reminded again and again that He has a plan for each of His children and that His timing is perfect as I have gone through the experiences of this past year.

As it turns out, being a mom of two beautiful blessings is very much a full-time job which means, I don't have an awful lot of time for writing. So, here I am, typing in my bed in the middle of the night with my husband sleeping on one side of me and baby Eve sleeping in her bassinet on the other. She will wake up wanting to be fed in an hour or two so I really should be trying to sleep but, if I stop now, when will I have another chance?

In 2017 and 2018, I experienced some pregnancy losses. These were very difficult trials for me and I felt very discouraged and disheartened as I went through them. After my final miscarriage in 2018, I started to doubt my ability to have a healthy and complete pregnancy. It was painful for me to imagine that I wouldn't have any more children when I felt so certain that there was another child meant for our family. The month after was a rollercoaster of emotions; sadness, heartache, numbness, hope, and healing. To our surprise and complete joy, Sam and I discovered that I was pregnant again just two months later. The baby was due on our anniversary. Oh, how I hoped that this would be our rainbow baby.

Fast forward into the second trimester. As I approached my halfway mark, I had no reason to believe that I wouldn't deliver a healthy baby girl in June. Sam and I were thrilled to be having another girl, a sister for Emma! 20 weeks came and I was looking forward to having another ultrasound. Sam wasn't able to come due to his school schedule so, Emma and I went together. Emma was my buddy during Eve's pregnancy and joined me for all of my appointments. She was looking forward to seeing "baby sis" on the screen again as much as I was.

The ultrasound took a lot longer than I had expected it to and at one point, the tech had me tossing and turning in every direction as she tried to find a particular measurement that she couldn't seem to find. When the doctor entered later, I learned that the tech had been trying to find the baby's left kidney and was unsuccessful. "The baby only has one kidney that we can find but, her other kidney might just be in her pelvis." Even though he immediately assured me that everything was fine and that people live long healthy lives with one kidney (I knew this-my dad donated his kidney many years ago), I felt tears hit my eyes and I was in a panic. It is scary to hear that there is ANYTHING wrong with your child. I had never heard anything except for "You have a healthy baby" throughout Emma's pregnancy and this was unexpected and worrisome.

The doctor requested that I come back a few weeks later to have a follow-up ultrasound where they would see if they could find the kidney once it had grown a little larger. The next ultrasound came and there was still no kidney to be found but they did find a "mass of some kind" in her pelvis. Again-scary! However, he told me that her one kidney looked perfect and he didn't see any reason to be majorly concerned. I was scheduled for another ultrasound to continue to monitor.

At my next appointment, we were told that they still didn't see the other kidney AND they had discovered a problem with her existing kidney. They could see that her urine wasn't draining properly and it appeared to be gathering in an area it shouldn't. This was terrifying to hear. The doctor told us that she would need an ultrasound after her birth to determine what action would need to be taken. There was a possibility of surgery and other treatments. He said that tests would need to be administered and we would need to meet with a pediatric nephrologist soon after her birth. Naturally, all of this information was enough to make me feel very worried. Then, he told me that the baby was measuring in the 97th percentile for weight. With a few weeks to go before my due date, baby was measuring around 9 pounds. As you can imagine, that news also made me nervous. Emma was 8 pounds, 10 ounces. Her birth was very difficult and traumatic on my body. I felt a little unsure about how I would deliver a baby much larger than Emma.

My doctor and I discussed the option of an early induction at 38 weeks if baby continued to grow at the rate she was. The following week, she was estimated to be well over 10 pounds and I anxiously awaited a meeting with my OBGYN to schedule the delivery. At that meeting, my doctor talked over some of the risks of delivering a baby as large as mine potentially was, especially because I am a fairly small person. My labor was predicted to be very long, there was a real possibility that the baby could dislocate her shoulder, and it was likely that it would all end in a C-section. I was terrified at the thought of a C-section. I had never even had a surgery and had always been afraid that one of my births would end in a C-section. My doctor remained very positive with me and assured me that she would do everything she could to give me the best birth experience. She scheduled my induction for the next Tuesday. As I was leaving, she told me to call her if I had any questions or concerns about the induction at any time during the weekend. She then said, "even if you want to discuss the option of a scheduled C-section, call me and we can talk about it."

I, of course, had no intention of scheduling a C-section. However, as I walked to my car, her words kept coming to my mind and I had a strong impression that I should consider it. I started to think about this baby's potential health problems and the care she might need after birth. I thought about how traumatic this delivery might be on her little body and I started to realize that a C-section might be the safest option for her. With a C-section, there would be no risk of her dislocating a shoulder or getting stuck through hours and hours of labor. I also thought about how I would very likely end up having a C-section anyway and how much more difficult it would be on both myself and the baby to go through so many hours of hard labor before having the surgery. I started to really think and pray about the option of scheduling my section.

I know that Heavenly Father guided me in making my decision. Over the weekend, I was given clear impressions of people who I could reach out to for support and advice. I spoke with my cousin's sweet wife who told me exactly what I needed to hear in order to feel good about choosing the C-section based off of her personal experience. I spoke to a couple of church friends who happened to have had C-sections and were able to provide comforting words.

On Sunday night, my husband gave me a priesthood blessing which allowed me to feel completely resolved and sure in my decision. I was still very nervous about the surgery but, I felt absolutely certain that it was the right decision for me with this baby. On Monday morning, I called my doctor's office and told her what I had decided. The C-section was scheduled for Tuesday morning. I was to arrive at the hospital at 6:00am and the surgery would begin at 8:00am.

That evening, I was nervously getting ready. I kept feeling the anxiety build and then did my best to suppress it as I busily checked bags and did my last minute cleaning and organizing. I texted a sweet friend of mine who had offered to take pictures of our family after the birth to update her on my decision and tell her the time of the birth so that we could schedule a time for her to come. Immediately, she called me to tell me that all three of her children had been born via C-section. She wanted to offer any words of comfort and gave me some wonderful advice to help me stay calm during the procedure. She texted me later that night to tell me that she felt a strong impression that she was supposed to be there for me during this time and that she was praying for me. Her words were an immense comfort to me and yet another proof to me that I had made the right choice.

That night, I went to bed wondering if I would be able to sleep at all. Even though I had felt so sure of myself that day, I started to panic and tearfully expressed to my husband that I wasn't sure if I could go through with the surgery. I felt so afraid. With his help, I was able to calm down and then I began to pray until I fell asleep.

The next morning, I woke up at 3:30am but, not because I was anxious. I woke up and felt indescribably excited. I was going to be meeting my sweet baby girl in a few short hours. I knew everything was going to be okay and that I was making the right decision. I felt calm and overwhelmed with joy. Sam and I had still not decided on a name for sure but, that morning, I had a quote run through my mind again and again:

I knew then that I was going to name our sweet girl 'Eve'.

It was such a tender mercy to feel those feelings of excitement and joy on the morning of Eve's birth. I could feel the prayers that were being said on my behalf. Prayers from my parents, in laws, other family members, and friends. My sweet photographer friend even texted me that morning to tell me that she had woken up early and was praying for me.

We dropped Emma off at our dear friend's house in the morning where I knew she would be well cared for. She had been looking forward to playing with her best friend and spending the day with their family for months. I told her that when she came to see me at the hospital, she would get to meet her little sister. She was so excited. It was a little strange to leave her knowing that I would have two babies the next time I would see her again.

We checked in to Mercy hospital right on time. My nurses were kind and comforting. They helped me get settled into my room and talked me through the coming events. They answered all of my questions and then the doctor came in to do the same. I was so happy to have Dr. Wadland performing my C-section. At my OBGYN office, I had 6 rotating physicians, any one of which could have been my delivering doctor. Dr. Wadland was the one I most connected with and I was so grateful that she would be there. Another tender mercy.

Before I knew it, I was kissing Sam goodbye to go get prepped for my surgery. I nervously walked into the bright operating room where they asked me to sit on the edge of a narrow bed as the anesthesiologist gave me my spinal block to numb my body before the surgery. the nurses helped me lay down on the bed and washed and prepped my stomach. Everyone laughed when they realized that a window washer had just lowered himself to our floor on the outside of the building to wash the window of the operating room. "Perhaps we should shut curtain!" someone exclaimed. I chuckled at the thought of him going home to tell his wife that he'd watched a c-section through a window he was washing at work today.  After shutting the window curtain, they placed another curtain above my belly blocking my view to my lower half and then brought Sam in to be by my side. Just like that, we were ready to begin.

Unfortunately, I was very nauseous during the surgery and they had to pause a few times to allow me to throw up. Otherwise, everything went very smoothly and I felt no pain or discomfort. They removed the blue curtain leaving another special curtain that allowed us to see the baby as she was lifted out of me. I watched them lift my sweet baby and the tears welled in my eyes as I looked at her. Just like Emma had been, this baby was absolutely perfect. I could feel her sweet presence and already loved her as I watched them carry her across the room. Sam followed her and was able to cut the cord before carrying her back to me and placing her on my chest. I loved watching him bond and connect with her right away. It was special to see him fall in love with her. As they stitched me up, Sam was already proudly telling family members that she had arrived. We both admired her chunky cheeks, her sweet little lips and nose, and her adorably grumpy expressions. She was so different than Emma had been right from the start. She was her own special, sweet person.

Born at 8:25am, Eve weighed 91b 15oz and was 19 inches long. Smaller than estimated but, still a large baby. We were so happy to have her safely with us. The birth had been one hundred percent different than my experience with Emma but, I felt all of those same emotions. Love. SO MUCH LOVE. I felt relief that she was here and that I'd brought her here safely. Gratitude. Proud of myself. Proud of my body. Proud of my courage. Overwhelmed with joy.

Despite comments that I have received and opinions I've heard, a C-section is every bit as much of a birth as a vaginal delivery. Take it from someone who has had both experiences. There is still so much sacrifice and bravery on the part of the mother in order to bring her child into the world. It's true that it is a completely different experience but, the important thing is that we get these sweet babies here and into our arms. In my case, I felt so proud of myself for choosing to bring Eve into the world this way because it had always been such a great fear of mine. I faced it, knowing that it was the safest and best decision for her and for myself. I felt just as brave and tough and proud of my body as I felt after bringing Emma into the world after 22 hours of hard labor.

As we held and loved on our new little angel-our sweet rainbow baby-I told Sam that I wanted to name her Eve and he agreed, it was the perfect name for our beautiful girl. We chose Amour for her middle name. Amour means love.

Recovery has been the most physically difficult part of this particular birth. Standing up for the first time after the c-sections was one of the most painful experiences of my life. However, I've never doubted for a second that I didn't make the right decision. In fact, I feel absolutely certain that something would have gone wrong if I had chosen to keep my scheduled induction. In the weeks that followed Eve's birth, we had several small health scares that I am sure would have been worse for her if I had attempted a regular birth.

With all of the joy and happiness Eve has brought into our family, it has also been a real challenge to navigate her kidney condition. In the first weeks after her birth, we had several appointments. She had an ultrasound performed to get a better look at her kidney, a procedure involving x-rays where she had to have a catheter placed, blood draws, and several appointments with her primary care doctor and a pediatric nephrologist. Eve has a very high risk for urinary tract infections and we have reluctantly had to give her a daily dose of Amoxicillin in order to protect her from them. She also takes a daily probiotic to protect her gut from the antibiotic she is given every night. We have had to watch her very closely and take frequent temperatures to make sure she hasn't contracted a UTI. She has more tests and appointments scheduled in the near future. It has been a very difficult thing to go through and to watch her go through. I have gained a whole respect and empathy for parents who have children with serious illnesses or health problems. I can only imagine the pain that they have had to endure in watching their children suffer after the short amount of time I have had to experience this with my sweet girl.

Another tender mercy surrounding Eve's birth was the timing. Not only was it important that Eve be born in Portland where we live minutes away from a wonderful team of pediatric nephrologists but, it was also such a blessing that she was born at the time of year that she was. Sam was on a break from school before beginning his fieldwork and was able to stay home with me for a full three weeks. He was able to help care for me as I recovered, develop a close and special bond with Eve, spend a lot of time with Emma to help her with the transition of a new sibling, and most importantly, was able to be there for all of Eve's appointments and procedures. This was an incredible blessing for me and for our family. I don't think I could have done it all without him.

I am grateful now, as I look back at the events, for how everything played out. I am thankful that God was so mindful of our situation. I am grateful that He provided so much love and comfort throughout this experience and for His patience with me as I have slowly begun to understand His timing and purposes.

Our family has been so blessed by the addition of Eve. We are ALL so smitten with her. She has brought a closeness and strength to our family. Emma is possibly the proudest big sister in the world. She tells nearly every stranger that we pass that she is a big sister and introduces them to Eve, making sure to include her middle name. Eve truly is a special spirit and we are excited to see all that she will be and do, she has already done so much to change my heart and help me grow.