Thought? Wish? Hope For the Day.

Today Emma and I went shopping with my mom. It's always an adventure to take Emma shopping-you just never know what you're going to get. Will she be the cranky toddler that screams "candy mama!" over and over again between sobs? will she be the quiet, sweet little girl that is content to suck her thumb and snuggle with a stuffed animal while I peruse? Today she was the happy, super active toddler that giggles uncontrollably as she runs as quick as she can away from mom. The whole shopping part becomes a bit of a challenge but it makes for a great game of hide and go seek. She discovered how fun it is to crawl underneath hanging clothes to hide and scream with delight every time I found her and shouted "BOO!".

While my mom was checking out at one store, Emma and I were playing "tag" (She was running away from me at full speed and ignoring my calls to come back, laughing hysterically all the while.) I turned a corner she had just run around to find her standing completely still in front of a long mirror. I started to walk towards her and noticed that she was beaming from ear to ear at herself. I smiled and continued to watched her. She reached her hand up to touch her reflection on the cheek and patted her reflection's head a few times and giggled. I was highly amused by the whole thing until she, looking deeply at her reflection, quietly said, "pretty." My heart almost burst-she looked at herself and saw how beautiful she was! Oh, how I want her to see that forever. I interrupted-"Yes! Emma is so pretty. See? Emma is so happy and silly and pretty!" She laughed and shouted "Silly!" She went back to looking at herself and then leaned in to the mirror and gave it a kiss, right on her lips before losing interest and running off. (She found herself in a very loving mood after kissing the mirror and decided to kiss all of the clothes and jewelry she came across during her last loop around the store.)

It was such a sweet little moment and it got me thinking and feeling all kinds of things. First, I was so pleased that she looked at herself and loved herself. She saw herself with so much joy and recognized that she was pretty. That's a new word for Emma and she's made a point of showing me everything she thinks should be called pretty in the last few days-dolls, pictures, flowers, hair clips, etc. I was overjoyed that she looked at herself and felt that the word fit her reflection as well as it fit all of those other things she had labeled "pretty." Second, I was a little sad and worried. I wondered, how long will she feel like that? When will she decide that she isn't pretty because of something someone else tells her or something she sees in a magazine? My wish is that it will never happen. I wish that she'd always have that confidence and that she'd see her worth every time she looks at herself in the mirror. Unfortunately, I know that a day will probably come when that smile won't come quite as readily and she won't feel like kissing herself. She'll see herself and the words that come to her mind won't be "beautiful" or "worthy" or "pretty". I know because I have days like that myself-I used to have days like that much more often than I do now. It's heartbreaking to think that Emma might ever experience that self doubt or even self loathing.

I was thinking more on that experience this evening when a thought popped into my head; I need to be more like Emma. If I can be more like Emma and treat myself with kindness the way that she did today, then someday, she will learn from me about how she should treat herself. If I can push through days where I don't feel beautiful or worthy and appreciate myself for who I am, (a daughter of God with immense worth and potential) then someday, Emma will learn to push through them too. She will learn to see her potential and worth as a daughter of God. Emma will see that I value my gifts and unique qualities and so someday she will discover and value her own. If I can be more like Emma now, then I will be an example to Emma later in life when those smiles and thoughts and feelings for herself don't come quite so easily.

So tonight, after I brush my teeth, I will look passed my blotchy, tired face so I can  really see myself. I will appreciate my long, dark hair and my hazel eyes and my smile. Then, I will quietly say "pretty" because I want to be just like Emma.